Amata (rougaroux) wrote,

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Title: Just Let Me Hold You
Author: rougaroux
Fandom: GC AU
Pairing: Rikku/Rufus/Tseng
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Dedicated to cupcakemonster

Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

They all had their secrets. That was to be expected. He had even told her that, one night as they lay in bed. She had cried again. She always cried afterwards, something he never understood but didn’t press. It wasn’t his place to press.

But of course, she did not understand this. He had tried to explain it in simple terms, not because she was stupid. No, she was never stupid. But it was something that had to be explained in simple terms, without emotion getting involved in the equation.

Equations. They were just like orders, simple, always equaling the same thing if you did them right. Rikku had accused him of being dispassionate once, of not feeling any emotion. But that, he knew, was not true. He felt emotion enough to get through day to day.

He had emotions; he just could do without a few.

Especially around now. It was getting nearer the time, and he spent more time at the office, getting as much work done as he could. Rikku was concerned and tried to ask him what was going on, but he would just shake his head and get back to work.

Finally, she decided, if he wouldn’t tell her, she would find someone who would. And who she could manipulate ohsoeasy, even if he was considered the master of manipulation.

“Rufus?” she asked quietly, as she never was, and sat down next to him on the couch. He ignored her, the only way she knew that he had heard her was the way his eyes moved, rereading the same line twice and narrowing in annoyance.

“Ruuuufus,” he couldn’t ignore her this time, as she scooted right onto his lap, removing his paper in favor of her body, which was so much better than the written word in her opinion. He would have to agree with her, but now was neither the time nor place.

“What Rikku?” he said, frowning in mock annoyance at her, yet still allowing her to lean against him and rest her head on his shoulder.

“What’s eating Tseng huh? He’s being a bigger grumpy-pants then usual,” she murmured, giving a pout that she knew was so irresistible to the blond man…it had never failed her yet in any case.

But of course, there was a first time for everything. There was a tensing of his shoulder before she heard a sigh, and looked up at him with inquisitive eyes.

“He always gets busier this time of year….it’s a remembrance,” he said softly, looking at the door as if trying to will his other lover there.

“Of what?” That had Rikku’s attention. What could have Tseng to act like…

“…..something he would rather forget,” Rufus said, more to himself than anything before he moved her to the side and got up, folding his paper in half and brushing off his pants. “I would appreciate it if you did not bother him so much this week,” he said, his tone half commanding as it sometimes became, half loving, trying to help someone dear to him.


“Please Rikku,”

Well that shut her up. Rufus said ‘please’, if rarely. and only if he was being teased to the absolute brink. Now she was even more curious, but had learned to keep her silence. This usually meant the pay-off at the end was bigger if she stayed silent. Or so she had learned at this point, dealing with two of the quietest men she had ever dealt with before.

Now she was determined more than ever to find out what was wrong with him. She got her chance in the middle of the week, as she watched him become steadily more agitated, which in turn made Rufus become more nervous.

“I think you should go to bed Tseng,” Rufus said, looking at the dark haired man sitting at the table, pen gripped tightly in his hand, turning knuckles white. He raised one inquisitive eyebrow and opened his mouth to speak when Rufus broke in again.

“Go to bed Tseng,” he said, the order unmistakable in his controlled voice, and after years of dealing with it, Tseng could only nod, biting back the ‘yes sir’ that threatened to erupt from his tongue.

Rikku glanced back and forth between the two of them, as if watching a carefully controlled tennis match, with the victor already decided even before the game began. Again, for the second time this week, she bit her tongue and said nothing, even with Rufus looking at her like he expected her to.

She got her answer later that night, with the bed slightly shaking. From her customary position in the middle, she opened her eyes and turned to Tseng’s side: the side that was shaking. She could see his faint outline in the moonlight, shaking, and she knew that position all to well. Her heart sank as she raised a hand and laid it on his shoulder, feeling him tense underneath her and his quiet controlled sobs ceased.

“Tseng, why are you crying?” she asked softly, moving closer and wrapping her thin arms around his broad back, feeling him trying so hard not to shake and cry, trying to be strong, for her sake.

“Tseng?” she asked after another moment of silence, and when he did not answer she let out a annoyed sigh from her nose.

“S’not nice to have secrets ya know,” she muttered into his ear, curling around him, and still, he said nothing.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” she huffed out, burying her face into his shoulder and closing her eyes, feeling him still more. They stayed this way for a long time, long enough that she had lost count of the ticktockticktock sounds his clock made, when suddenly he sat upright in bed, gripping the sheet tightly between clenched hands and looking around as if for an attacker, a phantom of some type. With a muffled sob, he got up from bed, leaving Rufus and Rikku looking at each other with worried expressions on their faces.

He went into the front room, wiping his eyes and sitting down on the couch for a long time, until his two lover’s hushed whispers in the other room could not be heard anymore. As his clock struck four, he got up, almost reverently, and opened a locked drawer in his cabinet, taking out a small engraved knife.

Live life with no regrets

He tilted the knife slightly to read the words engraved into the gleaming metal and sighed, sitting back down on the couch and holding onto the handle. Silently, tears dripped down his face the longer he stared at it.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to…I’m sorry,” he whispered, allowing the tears to run freely, just as the blood had that night. Arms encircled his shoulders and waist on different sides, and he didn’t even flinch, just burying his head into Rufus’ chest and holding onto Rikku’s arms as if he let them go, they might disappear.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he continued whispering, as a hand took away the knife and set it down gently on the table, as another hand smoothed back his hair and kissed his brow. One body held him up, as another curled up around him and made him feel warmer then he had all this week.

They all had their secrets. And maybe sometime soon, they might be able to share them. But for now, all they could do was be there for the ones they loved, and hope that was enough.

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down

{Song lyrics from Rob Thomas’ “Ever the Same”.}
Tags: fic
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